Monday, November 28, 2016

No More (Chainmail) Bikinis

Dear Artists,

For the love of all that is holy and sacred, stop drawing warrior women in bikinis. I’m tired of scrolling past your ridiculous and nigh-insulting portrayals of women running around in ancient Ugg boots and tiny steel triangles.

Have you ever tried running a marathon in your underwear? How about cutting off the heads of a thousand foes? Forget the non-existent protection of those itty-bitty pieces of armor—can you imagine how long it would take to scrub orc blood off your limbs after a couple of hours swinging the mace around? You’d never finish in time for the celebratory feast.

And then there’s the frostbite. I could write pages about the pain of blue-fingered hands freezing around a sword hilt. Whose idea was it to depict those poor Viking women leaping from their ships clad only in a few leather straps and a pointy helmet? What’s the harm in adding a pair of gloves? Everyone knows a good warrior woman is, of course, talented in the domestic arts, and therefore able to make herself a head-to-toe cable knit bodysuit. Why can’t you draw that?

Bikinis are for beaches, my friends, and no self-respecting warrior woman would wear one on the battlefield. She’s concerned with beating up the baddies and surviving, not showing off her hot bod. There are few things more shameful than catching a poisoned blade in the midriff. No, the warrior woman refuses to be brought down by anything less than true combat.

If you’d like to see what a real warrior woman should wear, look at Gambargin’s galleries. Read articles such as this one, which reminds us all that boob plate armor kills, and this one, which discusses historical mentions of women in battle. And, if all else fails, look at Pinterest boards of real women in real armor.  

Please. I’m begging you. Your imaginary heroines are begging you.


Michelle tells bad jokes and even worse puns so she can hit her daily quota of eye rolls. She’s been on a mini break from social media, but you can generally find her on Twitter as @redactionaire.    

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for posting the links; they provided me with some story notes for one of my nascent projects.

    I think a fair turn around to show the absurdity of bikini armor would be illustrations of cops wearing nothing but bulletproof jock straps.

    I have to admit, when I was in my teens/early twenties, I read a lot of “Heavy Metal” magazine. Mind you, just for the stories, I never looked at the illustrations. Someone told me there were armored bikinis, but I just read the words, never looked at the pictures. Well maybe a few stolen glances. Is there such a thing as grand theft glances? I hope not.